[Vhfcn-l] How to give your cat a pill

[Steven Mandel]

HOW TO GIVE YOUR CAT A PILL:

1) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding
a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's
mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right
hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth
and swallow.

2) Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in
left arm and repeat process.

3) Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4) Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear
paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of
mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5) Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call
spouse from garden.

6) Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and
rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head
firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill
down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7) Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap.
Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep
shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing
later.

8) Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just
visible from below armpit. Put pill inside end of drinking straw, force
mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9) Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to
take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood
from carpet with cold water and soap.

10) Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another
beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door onto neck, to leave head
showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat
with elastic band.

11) Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges.
Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. apply cold
compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply
whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw
Tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12) Call fire brigade to retrieve the f------ cat from tree across the
road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to
avoid cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap.

13) Tie the little b**tard's front paws to rear paws with garden twine
and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves
from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of steak fillet.
Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down
throat to wash pill down.

14) Consume remainder of Scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the
emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm
and remove pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home
to order new table.

15) Arrange for RSPCA to collect "mutant cat from hell" and call local
pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

HOW TO GIVE A DOG A PILL:

1) Wrap it in cheese.

----- Original Message -----
From: "Viet Nam Helicopter Flight Crew Network" <vhfcn-l at vhfcn.org>
To: "Mandel, Steve" <mandelfive at dslextreme.com>
Sent: Thursday, November 7, 2019 2:50:39 PM
Subject: Re: [Vhfcn-l] How to give your cat a pill

Does any one still have the blurb on how to give your cat a bath?

If so please post.

Grow
________________________________
From: Vhfcn-l <vhfcn-l-bounces+jwgrow=hotmail.com at vhfcn.org> on behalf of John Grow via Vhfcn-l <vhfcn-l at vhfcn.org>
Sent: Thursday, November 7, 2019 9:11 AM
To: jwgrow at hotmail.com <jwgrow at hotmail.com>
Subject: Re: [Vhfcn-l] How to give your cat a pill

Yes, I remember that.  Cats can be the most lovable creatures in the world or the most fierce.

Grow
________________________________
From: Roger W. Ek <mequest at telplus.net>
Sent: Thursday, November 7, 2019 8:09 AM
To: John Grow <jwgrow at hotmail.com>; VHFCN1 Pilots and Crew <vhfcn-l at vhfcn.org>
Subject: Re: [Vhfcn-l] How to give your cat a pill



> On Nov 6, 2019, at 10:46 PM, John Grow via Vhfcn-l <vhfcn-l at vhfcn.org> wrote:
>
>
>
> HOW TO GIVE YOUR CAT A PILL:
>
> 1) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding
> a baby.

I think that John Grow was the one who posted the procedure for giving your cat a bath a couple of decades ago. It involved wearing full hockey goalie gear and a rugged door on the shower, NOT a shower curtain.


I replied with the Maine method of giving a cat a bath:

Raise the lid and seat on the bathroom commode.
Put liquid pet wash soap in the commode.
After the cat has been fed and is sleepy, pick up the cat, pet the cat and while the cat is purring, drop the cat into the commode.
INSTANTLY, Put the lid down on the commode.
The cat will self agitate.
Rage and cat adrenaline speed up the process.
When the screeching subsides to fierce growls, flush the commode to rinse.
When the cat gets back down to the growling stage. flush again.
Have somebody open the kitchen door and the bathroom door.
Step down off the commode lid and away from the commode. .
The cat will self eject from the commode and exit the building at high speed.
The cat may return after after self drying.

If the cat returns, do not attempt to pick up the cat for any reason until next spring.

Roger
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